


"to hold my heart"

by tchouli



Series: Miss You [1]
Category: The Losers (2010), The Losers (Comic)
Genre: Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Loss, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Tears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-09
Updated: 2020-05-09
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:08:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24091882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tchouli/pseuds/tchouli
Summary: Said you were gone and I knew oh andMy world was broken in twoI'd pray that you were hereTo hold my heart~ w.a.s.p.
Relationships: Carlos "Cougar" Alvarez/Jake Jensen
Series: Miss You [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1738090
Kudos: 3





	"to hold my heart"

**Author's Note:**

> set after the end of the comics

The feeling hit Jake out of nowhere. Overwhelming. Visceral. One minute he was looking at computer parts the next he was stumbling out of the store arms clutching his sides as he tried to prevent the dry heaves from dropping him to his knees. He barely made it back to his car. He fumbled with his keys dropping them twice before finally getting the key in the lock and wrenching the door open. Collapsing inside, Jake rested his head on the steering wheel as he tried to calm his breathing. He took deep breaths and slowly let them out, repeating the process until he felt steadier. It had been about a month since the last time this happened. He thought he was improving. _Who was he kidding?_ He should have known better than to lie to himself. 

Jake never knew what would cause the attacks; it could be something as insignificant as overhearing a word said with just the right inflection or something more obvious like seeing a long-haired stranger wearing a cowboy hat. But what would happen next was always the same, just the degree of self-destruction would change.

This time was no different.

Jake wasn’t sure what had triggered this particular one but, he knew it was coming as soon as the feeling started to coil inside him tearing at his heart, the tendrils wrapping around and squeezing until he couldn’t breathe, gasping for air as tears streamed down his cheeks. To a bystander, it looked like a panic attack. Only Jake knew it wasn’t one; it was grief and loss consuming him again, clawing at his insides, beating down the fragile walls he had built to shield himself. 

_His heart hurt. He pressed his hand, hard, to his chest to help staunch the wound, to stop the bleeding out, to distract. But, the pain was worse than anything he had ever experienced as a Loser. He wanted to reach inside his chest, grab his heart and rip it out, crush it and make it all go away. Why couldn’t he be a tin man?_

Jake missed Cougar so much, but it was more than just missing him, more than just emotional agony. It was a physical ache as well. He had lost a part of himself that his body refused to recognize was gone, like a phantom limb. Jake would turn to say something only to remember Cougar wasn’t by his side and would never be there again, and the words would die on his lips. Sometimes, the really bad times, _ok that was a lie – every time_ , he wished he had died too. He wished he had stayed; he should have stayed with Cougar and waited until the nuke exploded. At least then, it would have been brief, finite, instead of this lingering, never-ending suffering he felt every day. And he would have been with Cougar at the end, side by side, together. 

Jake sobbed as his hands alternately curled white-knuckled around the steering wheel or into fists beating it ineffectually. His heart was aching. _Carlos, it wasn’t supposed to be this way. We had had plans, dammit!_


End file.
